


Keep it Down

by orangefriday



Series: Kim Clan Headcanons [5]
Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: M/M, also there's lots of crying, nothing really gets solved here and it's a little ooc but i just wanted to write nico a backstory
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-24
Updated: 2020-02-24
Packaged: 2021-02-27 20:07:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,443
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22881484
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orangefriday/pseuds/orangefriday
Summary: In which Nico reflects on why he is so emotionally repressed lolTakes place after 16x14.
Relationships: Nico Kim & Levi Schmitt, Nico Kim/Levi Schmitt
Series: Kim Clan Headcanons [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1287356
Comments: 18
Kudos: 121





	Keep it Down

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this from my heart. this fic is very special to me :')

Nadia calls Nico at one in the morning on a Monday.

“Nico-ya, dongseang, how are you?”

Nico takes a second to listen, his mind groggy as he had only just managed to fall asleep a little while ago. His sister sounds suspicious — rude considering the hour — but it doesn’t seem like something’s wrong. She doesn't call often so it makes Nico worry for a moment, something Nadia constantly berates him for (“No one looking at you would think you’d be a world class worrier”). But even though she had only said a few words, Nico can usually tell when his sister needs help.

“Noona, it’s late.”

A small laugh. “Sorry. What time is it?”

“Too late,” Nico grumbles and shifts to his side, letting his phone rest on his face without his hands. He closes his eyes for a bit and almost falls back to sleep but Nadia’s voice brings him back.

“Sorry,” she repeats, not apologetic at all. “I just finished a shoot. It’s five PM here. Shouldn’t it be morning for you in Seattle?”

 _“No,”_ is all Nico says, sharply. He’s so tired. His two hour surgery had turned to three, and then four. By the fifth hour, he was done but then had to finish all the paperwork he had put off on his shift. Most of the residents were still recovering from the crash at Joe’s and the new interns, well, were too new, so Nico was on his own. Plus, he didn’t want to bother Levi. And he’s pretty sure Levi doesn’t want to see him anyway.

“Ah. Sorry.”

A sigh. “You’re not.”

“Noona is at least a _little_ sorry. You’ll have to believe that.”

Nico doesn’t say anything. Just sighs and waits for his sister to speak. He would normally ask her where in the world she was today (probably Hong Kong judging from her recent photos that she definitely shouldn’t be sending him. Working on a top secret film that’s supposed to be a big blockbuster), but he’s too damn tired and pleasantries had left the room the moment his head had hit his pillow. He hadn’t even bothered to shower and hopes there isn’t any blood or bone gunk on his neck or face. If there was, he’d deal with it in the morning.

It’s not until Nadia calls his name for the third time that he realizes she had been speaking all along.

“Nico, are you listening?”

“Yes,” he lies.

“Well?”

Nico almost snores. “Huh? What?”

“Nico!”

“Okay, okay, I’m listening now. For real.” Nico flings his blankets off and forces his body to sit up.

“Good,” Nadia starts. She sounds hesitant again. “I was saying — asking — how you are. And how… dinner went with omma and appa?”

Of course. That’s why she’s calling.

There’s a reason why Nico’s alone in his apartment tonight. And why the pile of Levi’s clothes had gone away with a few other small boxes of Levi’s things. He hadn’t even argued when Levi had asked to borrow his keys for the afternoon, then promising the rest of his things would be gone by the end of the week. Nico didn’t ask where the other was staying, even though he really wanted to. So much that he had almost thought to go to Taryn today, march into her hospital room, and demand it, to know where Levi was, if he was safe, if he was okay.

If he hates Nico now.

But he’s trying to be respectful. After all, it’s all his fault they’re in this mess anyway.

“Nico?” Now Nadia sounds concerned.

“It was fine,” Nico finally answers. “I’m fine.”

“Just fine?”

“Yeah, we had bad Korean food,” he offers. “Omma kept saying she could cook better.”

“Sounds like omma.” He can hear her smile. “But Nico…”

Nico holds in another long, deep sigh and thinks maybe he should just say it. Noona always has this eery ability to sense when Nico’s got too much on his mind, when he’s wracked with so much grief that he shuts down. She somehow knows and is always there to shoulder the burden he had thrown himself under.

“I fucked up, noona.” His voice is just a whisper, trembling and small, but it sounds loud and daunting in his dark, empty room. It hits his chest in a way that is so unexpected, it _hurts_. “I really fucked up. I think — I think I lost him.”

There’s a pause and he almost thinks his sister had hung up. But then she says, “Let noona help you.”

*

“If I were Mrs. Park, I’d be crying every day,” Nico’s mom says in Korean. She’s sitting on a little stool in the middle of the kitchen, a large pan full of reddening cabbage between her knees and gloved hands almost elbow deep, mixing. The inside of Nico’s nose tickles, stinging from the smell. Once omma starts making kimchi, the whole kitchen feels like it’s being completely soaked in spice. He’s at the kitchen table, doing homework with his brother and Nadia. Well, Nico’s doing homework. Jun-ho’s doodling in the margins and sharpening his pencils then breaking them. Nadia’s helping Nico solve a particularly hard word problem.

She’s talking to his appa, who is hardly listening, too busy trying to fix the police badge on his uniform.

“Did you hear me, appa?” She asks and looks up at him from the floor. He grunts and omma seems to accept it as an answer. “I don’t know what Mrs. Park is going to do about Jae. He’s their only son!”

“What can they do?” Appa murmurs, finally securing his badge. “Maybe it’s just a phase.”

Omma huffs and digs her hands deeper into the pan of kimchi. “Maybe.”

Nico hadn’t known what they were talking about then. Nadia seemed to and had frowned. When he asks her later what’s wrong with Park Eun Jae, Nadia says his parents didn’t want him to have certain friends. Then there were rumours the next week in church, and the weeks after that. Rumours about Park Eun Jae and another boy named Eric Schuster who lived across the Dairy Queen on Park Ave.

Nico’s only ten. He doesn’t understand why it was so bad those two boys were friends.

*

Nadia doesn’t make it better, but he _feels_ better — just for a bit.

It’s okay enough that Nico’s on his phone and his fingers are already automatically opening up his messages. He doesn’t realize what he’s doing until he’s staring at Levi’s name on his screen.

He closes his eyes. The last messages between them, burning into the back of his eyelids.

_I put your keys in your locker._

And then a short, “K”.

He has so much he wants to ask Levi: _How are you? How was your day? Where are you? Did you find an apartment? Did you eat lunch? Who bought you coffee this morning?_

But most of all, he just wants to tell Levi he misses him. That he’s sorry. That he messed up. That he’s a stupid, stupid man for ruining everything and he hopes Levi doesn’t hate him.

He really hopes Levi doesn’t hate him.

*

It isn’t a phase.

Nico learns years later when he spies Jae Park leaving the house in the middle of the night. A car’s headlights shine bright into his bedroom window. He’s not asleep yet because he’s studying, trying to cram the last of his biology text into his brain for tomorrow’s exam.

He looks up from his work to see two figures in the streetlights. One unmistakably Jae, with his messy hair stuffed under his signature baseball cap. The other one is throwing bags into the back seat. He vaguely recognizes the boy as Eric Schuster.

They’re speaking but Nico hears nothing. But he sees Jae’s face. He looks frantic, stunned, and afraid. Nico thinks he’s about to cry but then Eric steps towards the scared boy and wraps Jae into a hug.

Nico watches the two, their silhouettes in the light becoming one shaking shape. He keeps watching them, eyes widening and heart pounding in his chest, as Eric smooths a calm hand over Jae’s hair and then closes the distance between them.

Then they get in the car and never come back.

*

The elevator doors open and Nico’s breath catches.

Levi’s there, worrying his nails between his teeth, a habit Nico finds secretly endearing. He takes in the sight of Levi hungrily and decides that he looks good, that he looks okay — tired, but okay. It doesn’t look like he’s been sleeping outside and is homeless or dying, which are all the irrational thoughts that had wracked Nico’s brain the first few days they were apart.

Levi eventually sees Nico and instantly brings his hands back to his sides. And Nico can’t help the small smile that forms on his lips, betraying him.

They don’t say anything as Levi enters the elevator, choosing the furthest corner from Nico. But Nico keeps his eyes on Levi who keeps his eyes everywhere else but him.

Nadia’s words appear in his mind: _Just talk to him. Even just to say hi._

As if it were that easy.

But he decides to try it, as Nadia is usually (“Always,” she’ll argue) right about these things and opens his mouth.

But then the elevator doors open and Levi’s gone before Nico can say anything.

*

“Can I tell eonni?” Yunjae asks. She’s smiling her mischievous smile, like she’s caught the biggest prize in the world and is proud of it. Except, it’s that she’s finally figured out who Nico has a crush on and it’s _not_ Pearl Chan.

“No,” he says with exasperation. “Why do you always have to tell noona everything? Besides, she already knows,” Yunjae almost squeals in delight. She had worn him out and that’s how she had figured it out. It’s not because she’s smart or clever, even though that’s what everyone praises his little sister for. _She’s so smart for her age! She is one clever little girl!_

Nico has to stop himself every time from rolling his eyes when the ajumeonis who come by their house say those things about Yunjae. They spoil her, Nico thinks, and then she’ll become an even bigger brat when she’s older.

“Who else knows? Oppa? Does Pearl know? I know she has a crush on you and if she knew, she would be _devastated_.”

“No! No one else knows. Only me and Nadia. And now you. So shut up and get out of my room!”

Yunjae pouts and frowns. It’s fake and he sees right through it but Yunjae is his baby sister and despite how spoiled and obnoxious she is, she’s one of his most favourite people in the whole world.

It’s also a relief that Yunjae’s reaction to knowing the identity of his crush isn’t one of disgust. Instead, it’s like it didn’t matter that Nico’s crush was a boy. He had wanted to repeat his name to Yunjae, just incase she didn’t catch it, but then she started asking about him, saying his name, and telling Nico that he was also very handsome. She had heard him, loud and clear. It’s a moment he’ll cherish for the rest of his life: his carefree little sister, unbothered by the restrictions of the world. Unlike him.

Unlike Nico who feels locked and trapped by it all.

“Just,” he starts and pulls at her long hair playfully which turns the frown on her face into a smile again, “Keep it to yourself, okay? It’s a secret.”

She nods, beaming. Yunjae _loves_ secrets and she’s great at keeping them.

*

“ _Fuck!”_

He’s _so_ stupid. Why did he do this? Why did he decide to do this _now?_

Nico’s phone is frozen, the update process had been stuck at twenty percent for the past _hour_. And Nico had been too dumb, too stupid, too careless not to back up his phone before updating.

In a wild moment of panic, he thinks of all the texts, all the videos, and all the photos he’s going to lose. He doesn’t dare to force his phone to restart but he knows that’s what he probably needs to do. But he doesn’t want to. He’s going to lose it all. Everything.

He thinks of the photos from their first trip together, even if it was to see Uncle Saul. The video he took of Levi snoring and of Levi trying spicy rice cakes for the first time. Or the long, cheesy text Levi had sent him when he was drunk one night with the other interns. The one where he writes over and over again how he wishes Nico were there, how incredibly hot Nico was, and just how much he loves Nico.

And then it gets so overwhelming, he finds it incredibly difficult to breathe. So hard to breathe that his eyes start to water and now, he’s crying.

Tears fall without his permission down his face and his hands aren’t fast enough to wipe them away.

Nico falls asleep, in a crumpled mess draped over his bedside table, eyes swollen, headache raging, and cheeks wet.

In the morning, his phone is on and updated. And he frantically opens every app, reads over every text, and swipes through all his photos.

It’s all there.

Nothing’s been lost.

*

Nico does tell his father.

It goes as well as he expects it. Meaning, it doesn’t go at all.

His appa is silent, out of uniform, but Nico knows he carries his concealed weapon everywhere.

He thinks he’s going to be shot right then and there. Or worse, told to leave and never come back because what he is, is disgusting, wrong, and shameful.

He knows this. But he thinks he ought to try.

Now he thinks he’s going to die.

But appa only gets up, something in his eyes that Nico will never understand.

After what feels like a lifetime, appa says, voice strong and full of power, “It’s only a phase.”

It’s not a question or a suggestion. It’s a demand.

Then he walks away.

*

Nico sits alone at lunch, staring out the window at nothing in particular. He’s swallowing but not eating. If he stops swallowing, he knows whatever is festering and growing inside his chest is going to come up, ugly and raw and loud.

So he keeps swallowing.

*

“Omma wants me to make sure you’re studying enough for your boards.” Jun-ho’s shivering violently and they had only been walking in the Baltimore weather for about a minute. His brother is definitely a Californian through and through.

“I am.” Jun-ho doesn’t look convinced so Nico reassures him again, “I study day in and out, hyung. You didn’t have to come all the way here just to check up on me.”

Jun-ho scoffs but it’s not very intimidating when he’s bundled up like a big teddy bear in his too big scarf and puffy jacket. “Well, if you’d call omma once in a while, I wouldn’t have to come to this godforsaken place. It’s all your fault, you asshole.”

He’s missed his siblings, even Jun-ho who’s always so mean to him, even when he’s being nice.

“How is omma?” Nico asks with hesitation.

“She’s fine,” his brother says. “Sad that the golden child has left the nest, but she’s fine.”

“Hm.”

They cross the street and towards the bar Nico wants to take Jun-ho. He can’t wait to drink. He’s been studying so much and probably needs to study more. But Jun-ho’s visit, while unexpected, is a pleasant break from it all.

“You should come visit,” Jun-ho says after they’re seated inside. “After your boards, of course.” He’s still got his jacket on and his cheeks are red from the icy winds. Nico has half the mind not to outright laugh at his brother so he slots the image of his big, strong, sometimes unyielding, hyung, completely defeated by the cold, in his mind for later.

Nico shakes his head with a smile and waves for the server. He doesn’t say anything, hoping Jun-ho moves on from this particular topic.

Of course, like each and every one of his siblings, he doesn’t give up. “Why don’t you want to see our parents, Nico?”

“We haven’t even had our drinks yet,” Nico says and the server finally arrives, effectively cutting Jun-ho off, not before muttering obscenities under his breath that Nico adeptly ignores.

They order their drinks and Jun-ho moves on to other things. Tells his little brother about his job at the bank, how he’s fighting for a promotion against this other guy that is a total son of a bitch who plays low and cheap (according to Jun-ho). Says Yunjae is applying for the arts program at UCLA and how that’s driving their omma _insane_. Jun-ho imitates their mother with an accuracy that borders on scary: “How much money can you make doing art, Yunjae-sshi? Don’t be stupid!”

Of course, Yunjae doesn’t care and gets accepted.

When they’re two and half beers in, nacho plate empty, and cherry coloured, Jun-ho drops the question again that wipes Nico’s tipsy smile completely off his face.

“Why are you treating our parents like they’re dead to you?”

It takes a moment for Nico to decide what to say. So long that he thinks Jun-ho is going to internally combust.

It takes a lot for Nico to say it, out loud. Almost everything in him but he’s also full of liquid courage that’s the colour of amber so it makes it a bit easier.

So he dives.

“I’m gay, hyung.”

He doesn’t dare look at Jun-ho. At his brother, who plays rough and speaks tough, who is short tempered, but who has always been the one to take the blame when they get in trouble. Who has, on more than one occasion, fiercely protected Nico from those who had tried and failed terribly to soil the reputation of the second Kim son. Nico can remember all the times Jun-ho had bloodied his fists and bruised his cheeks for Nico and he’s appreciated each and every time.

He hopes to god Jun-ho understands him now. Growing up, Jun-ho knew himself that he wasn’t the smartest in the family and always ended up as the scapegoat. Somehow, Nico had procured the title of the golden child involuntarily. A title he abhors and doesn’t think he deserves. So he is always grateful for Jun-ho, knowing how hard it must have been for him to be under Nico’s shadow, even when he had tried his best to move out of the sun so his older brother may be in the light, _just once,_ just for a moment.

“Oh,” is all Jun-ho says. Nico finally looks at him and Jun-ho’s face is soft, open, and sad.

*

He must look like shit because Meredith Grey is the third person today that asks him if he’s okay.

“I’m fine,” Nico grumbles. Why is she even here? She may own part of the hospital but she’s not exactly in charge of ortho. And this case is one hundred percent ortho and zero part general.

“I’m sure you are,” she says, in that tone that tells him she knows he’s lying. He gives her a sideways glance and goes back to tapping through his patient’s chart. “I’m not big on romantic gestures either.”

Nico looks at her like she’s grown another head.

She pointedly ignores the look he gives her and stares right back, like she’s testing the waters, as she leans one elbow on the counter. “But then I met my husband and —“ She stops and swallows, something sad flashes across her face and Nico puts down the tablet to listen. “And he made me want to do all those stupid, cheesy, things. Hell, I was so broke back then but I still spent about a hundred dollars on _candles!_ ”

Nico smiles, reluctantly, but he does. It feels like a foreign action. “He must’ve been some guy.”

Meredith smiles back. “He was the best.”

She sighs and he thinks that’s the end of their awkward, out of place conversation, but then she puts a hand on his arm and leans in.

“Nico, I don’t know what’s going on with you and Schmitt. But it’s clear you’re miserable and hurting. And so is he.”

“He is?” He couldn’t stop himself from asking.

“He is.” She’s still smiling though and continues, “Even though Derek would do all those romantic things — like build me a house or save me from drowning and dying—“ Nico gives her a shocked look but she continues, nonchalantly, “The best thing we ever did was _talk_. The best times were the times we talked. Sometimes it was yelling. Sometimes it was crying. But we’d be talking and that was when things made the most sense. When I would finally understand why we were doing the things we did to each other.”

Meredith gets that sad, painful far away look on her face again. “And now, all I wish I could do is talk to him.”

Nico doesn’t know what to say, so he doesn’t say anything.

*

Nico’s made this decision a long time ago. He’d made it while walking home from class one day. Just a few weeks shy after his non-conversation with his father.

He decided he would try his best to get the best scores on his MCATS, get into med school, and become a doctor. He was going to make lots of money and send a lot of it home, spoil his siblings and their future children. He’ll be the cool uncle that lives far away from home that only visits once a year. And he’ll try to be the perfect son to his parents, even if it means hiding who he is.

He made that decision with a heavy, but determined heart at the age of twenty.

He’s thirty now. And it’s been ten years since he moved out. Since he’s left it all behind, hoping the further he goes, the less suffocated he’ll feel.

And for the better part of the those ten years, he felt like he could breathe. Albeit, sometimes it felt like breathing through a straw, but he was doing it on his own. He was always careful, making sure the private things in life stayed private. And what he showed was nothing short of what he was expected to be.

He hopes he’s making his parents proud. It’s the least he can do for them.

*

“Hi.”

It’s been a week since they spoke. And Levi’s voice chips away at something inside of Nico. It takes all of his willpower not to break right then and there.

He’s missed him so much.

Eventually, he says, “Hey,” and awkwardly lets Levi in. He’s probably here for the rest of his boxes. There’s not much, really, and Nico had already neatly packed what was strewn around his apartment carefully in another box. He gestures to them for Levi.

“Oh, thanks,” Levi says but doesn’t move towards the boxes. Does Levi want him to help?Nico goes to pick one up but a hand on his wrist stops him. He looks at Levi with a questioning gaze but Levi’s just staring down at their joined hands. “Nico, I—”

Nico doesn’t want to hear it, can’t bear it and avoids looking at Levi as he shakes his wrist free. “It’s fine. It’s not a big deal, Levi.” He swallows. “I’ll help you bring the boxes down. Do you have an uber waiting or something?”

“No, I don’t. But Nico —”

“I’ll order one for you.”

“Nico —”

He opens the app on his phone only to realize he has no idea where Levi’s staying. “What’s your new address?”

Nico finally looks up and into Levi’s boring, furious eyes. His face is twisted in anger, ears flushed, and jaw set with an intensity so great it makes Nico wince.

“Nico,” Levi says again, louder, and this time Nico doesn’t interrupt. “Do you really want me gone so bad?”

 _No_ , he thinks immediately. But says nothing.

His sister’s and Meredith’s advice blares deafeningly inside his head, but he ignores it.

“Why is it so easy for you to just — to just let me go? To stop talking to me for a _whole_ week and pack up all my things for me like I don't matter to you anymore? Is it really that easy for you, Nico?”

Levi’s crying now and Nico feels like it’s the worst thing he has ever done to Levi and he hates himself for it.

“I thought —“ Levi hiccups and swipes at his face angrily. “I thought if I gave you some space, if I just backed off, you’d come back to me. I thought you just needed _time_. But now, Nico? You… you’re —”

He gestures to all of Nico and the boxes behind him.

“You’re just gonna let me go?” Levi’s voice comes down to a whisper, disbelief in his tone. “Just like that?”

Nico swallows again, trying desperately to grasp at all that is threatening to spill out of himself as he stares back at Levi, whose eyes shine full of tears that he caused and hard, angry fists that are meant for him. He tries to put all of the emotions he cannot name back inside the pathetic cage that he calls his body.

“Isn’t that what you want?”

_Shouldn’t you hate me?_

Nico tries but he fails as his vision blurs, overrun with his own tears and his chest just about rips open from the force of it all.

It’s a while before Nico speaks, as he just stands there and cries, broken and vulnerable in front of Levi. He can’t move an inch of his body, too stunned himself by what’s happening to him. He must look like a fool. A fool that doesn’t deserve the arms that wrap around his body and the lips that press softly against his jaw. Levi’s shushing him, his hands rubbing up and down along Nico’s back, reassuring and firm.

“I’m sorry,” he finally says, in between ragged breaths. And Levi just holds him closer and tighter in response. “You don’t want me. You shouldn’t be with me. I’m not good for you.”

“No,” is all Levi says. Over and over again. “No, no, no.”

“I’m a liar and a hypocrite. You were right. I’m the one with all the shame and you deserve better, Levi. How can I expect anything else from you now?” Nico tries to push Levi away but Levi is a force on his own, sturdy and unwavering. It maddens Nico for a moment and he blurts out what he’s been holding back the most, “You should hate me.”

“Is that what you think?” Levi’s voice is low and quiet. “Look at me, Nico.”

Two hands force Nico to face Levi. The moment he catches sight of Levi’s face, he tries to look away but Levi’s not having it. His fingers dig almost painfully against his head.

“Look at me,” Levi demands again. Then he says slowly and clearly, as if he feared Nico wouldn’t be able to understand, “I _love_ you.”

And it’s enough all over again for Nico to break. He nearly crumbles in Levi’s arms and he no longer cares what it might look like. Nico, who’s been told his entire life to be strong, to be a good example to his siblings, to work hard and never waver in who he should and ought to be, reduced to a bumbling mess of chaos and broken emotions. Hearing Levi’s words, even though it’s not the first time he’s heard it, is like coming up for fresh air. It’s like he had been buried in a thousand feet of ocean, suffocating and gasping for breath. And Levi’s words had been the lifeline that pulled him back up to the surface. Back to where air existed and back to where he could live again.

“I love you,” Levi says once more. And he says it a third time. “I love you.” And a fourth. “I love you.”

Nico wants to ask _why_ but all that comes out is more tears and, oddly, _relief_. Relief that Levi doesn’t hate him, that he still loves him, and that Nico can, maybe, just maybe, let go of it all.

“I don’t care if you haven’t told you parents,” Levi says, cradling Nico’s head in his lap. Somehow, they had both ended up on the floor. Levi sitting up against his boxes and Nico, a heap against Levi. “I just want to be with you.”

Nico lets out a shuddering breath.

“I’m sorry, too.” Nico doesn’t know what Levi’s apologizing for and he almost asks before Levi goes on, “I can only imagine what it must’ve been like for you — to keep that secret for so long. You know me, I’m not good with them. And I don’t know what you’ve been through and I know you have your reasons. So I just want to understand. That’s all I want. So I don’t care if you need to keep this secret from your parents, but don’t keep secrets from me. Not anymore. Okay?”

Nico nods.

“Good.” Levi grabs Nico’s hand suddenly and tugs him up until they’re facing each other. “And if you’re hurting, I want to know. I don’t want you to hurt anymore. I hate that you think you’re not good enough for me because you _are._ You are so good, Nico. You are the best person I know.”

Nico’s breaths seems to even out and he is finally able to manage words again. “No, I’m not.”

“ _Yes,_ you _are._ ” Levi speaks with certainty and his grip around Nico is strong.

He chances a look at Levi. He half expects Levi to still be angry or to pity him. But instead, Levi just looks… determined. Strong. But most of all, like how Levi has always looked at Nico. A look he can’t describe any other way than just the way he looks. It’s the look Levi gives him when they wake up next to each other, or when Levi says something embarrassing like how Nico is a roman statue. Or when they cross paths during a busy shift and can only catch a glimpse of one another. Or when Levi just wants to kiss Nico, be held in his arms and to be loved.

And now, it’s Levi who kisses Nico, soft and open. And it’s Levi who is pulling Nico closer to him, his arms like iron and Nico feels crushed — crushed against Levi and all he can do is helplessly open himself up to Levi.

It’s not a kiss Levi’s ever given him before. It sends heat down his entire spine until his fingers feel like they’re burning and all he can do to steel himself is to clutch desperately onto Levi.

When Levi pulls his lips apart Nico, he’s left breathless and wanting more.

“Do you believe me now when I say you’re good enough?”

Nico nods, willing himself to believe it, even if they both know it’ll take a while and more time for Nico to actually, _really,_ believe it. And it isn’t until Levi touches his cheeks that he realizes he’s crying again. Who knew he had so many tears inside of him?

They stay like that for a while and talk, _actually_ talk. Nico tries his best to, pushes out the words and the stories that have been too painful to speak of for years. And for each word that he thinks will hurt, Levi’s there to make it better. And surprisingly, it’s easier than he thought.

The sun has gone down and Nico’s apartment turns almost black. The city lights not yet having caught up with the darkness.

“So,” Nico says, sitting up on his elbows. They’re both lying on the floor now, shoes kicked off and Levi’s winter jacket being used as a blanket. “How do you like your new place?”

“I hate it,” Levi says almost immediately. “It has cockroaches!

Nico laughs for the first time in a week. It’s a full, hearty laugh and it’s entirely unexpected to both him and Levi who seems to be just a little offended and very confused, but it’s so infectious that Levi starts laughing too.

“I guess I know what to give you as a house warming gift now.”

And Nico smiles, free and light, as Levi playfully pushes him off. He thinks he should say he loves Levi. A week ago, he might have just stopped there. But now?

Now he’ll say it. He’ll say it out loud for Levi.

**Author's Note:**

> noona = older sister  
> dongseang = younger sibling  
> omma = mother  
> appa = father  
> ajumeonis = aunties (formal)  
> hyung = older brother  
> eonni = older sister
> 
> i'm at [@glasssesandkim](http://glassesandkim.tumblr.com) on tumblr!
> 
> Author's note months after this was published: So I think about this fic a lot. Because it's probably the most honest I've ever been writing a piece. I connect to Nico so much. Not because the grey's writers did a good job with his character, but because I/the fandom did the work of creating Nico Kim (in fanon). He is the first Asian American character in Western media I fell so deeply for. Being Asian myself, I poured a lot of my own experiences into him. This story is one of those times. Most of what I wrote in this story has happened to me or have happened to someone I know. These little comments made by Nico's parents -- by _my_ mom, by my popo's friends when we go visit them at the food court, by the auntie behind the produce counter chatting with her customers -- they stuck with me. And then the feelings of not wanting to disrespect and still love the same people who hurt you with careless words and actions is a real thing. Sometimes, duty and family and love is just as important as being free of your own demons. Not coming out or harbouring these negative feelings inside your heart doesn't make you a coward. Everyone's circumstances are different. Their standards and what makes them happy and able to continue day to day is different. You won't always be able understand it but they are still valid. So Nico not wanting to come out to his parents, living his life as best as he can, while still trying to live how he wants without hurting his family -- it's sad. But it's real.


End file.
